when you’re falling but you find the light🌞💫🌤✨🌛 don’t give up..

I stood in front of the mirror and I didn’t recognise the person I saw. Something took over and my eyes are left in a glaze of glassy fog.
No matter what I do the pain is just shining through.
I try not to hold on to that longer stare so you don’t see, I’m lost and no longer there.
My tears are sitting inside waiting to fall…
I’m living each day with a secret.
Years and years go by and the hardest question is how are you? I never tell the truth and I won’t complain, even on those terrible days.
There are more bad days than good and you can no longer hide.
When you can’t walk, stand or move you don’t want them to see you like this… they will be scared and find it hard to bare.
I’m at my end I can’t see beyond this place.
And when I stood and asked for help, this light shined through and warms my face.
It takes me past this life, where tears don’t fall and pain doesn’t creak in the halls.
You see me smile but I’m shaking inside.
Walking this path pushes me past the sadness.
My body fills my mind with the ultimate test of time.
I can’t control this violent torture.
I walk along not wanting to give up.
But I’m standing here asking for help.
Take me slowly and show me you’re there and I beg for you to keep me in your care.
For many years I am brave, I take each challenge and I show the world.
Countless times I fall but I get back up, I am stripped away with less and less until I stand here waiting for the ultimate test.
You show me you’re there when you shine through the trees and through the gardens, flowers spinning around with the bees.
I go to the ocean and you glisten down showering the world with your blissful sound, the waves are crushing and the sunset is beaming it covers me and hugs me as I sit on the crystal shell sand.
As I sleep I feel a presence come to me, it places a hand on my shoulder telling me it’s not over, but I’m here. I look out my window and I catch the moon. I stare peacefully at it and say hello, it eases my mood and I say a silent prayer.
And when I dream I see your light and I try to not hold onto it too tight.
I know you are coming one day and everything will be alright but please don’t take me tonight.
They are not ready they need more time. Let me please see them laugh until we loose our breathe and smile with our cheeks so tight.
I’m desperate to hold onto them and I don’t won’t to let them go, even if I’m suffering I want to teach them nothing can stand in their way and no dream is too big.
I’m crying at night. The pain is hurting me, the tears just fall and I don’t know how I’m going to fight anymore. This wasn’t my dream it wasn’t my plan but this gift of life you gave me. I see the world unlike the others, my years you took their dreams and you replaced them with others.
I have felt like my body could no longer hold on and countless times I feel time has stopped, a grace slows down my breathing… the pressure to take a deep breath to hold on to another minute, pulls tight.
The pain is too much to bare my body is shaking my eyes roll back and then I am frozen in time, no movement but at all.
Many times I learnt to control my fate. If you want to give up you can, I’ll take you now and it can all be over. I could have taken your hand and floated away. But You taught me to be brave as I see the faces staring back at me. Their eyes filled with tears and they are breaking as they watched me fall deeper and deeper away from it all.
I feel my angels every day and when I pray I know they are with me and they are ready. I am more and more intuitive and listen to you there and I take your help whenever it is too hard to bare. I can tell you one secret in this life we are just all energies and there are living breathing angels living with you and than there are living energies around you protecting you. When it is all over there is more to this place and you won’t be in pain and you won’t be alone, they are waiting to hold your hand and say it’s going to be ok. No fear can stand in your way. But I stop and stare at my family standing there.. their eyes are screaming don’t give up on me, please fight one more time.
And I will. I promise you I won’t stop.

HOSPITAL 17 times

LEARN’T TO WALK 15 times

PARALYSED 5 times

QUADRIPLEGIC 2 times

3 HAEMORRHAGES

1 STROKE

AVM SOLDIER
INOPERABLE SPINAL AVM C1,C2,C3 and base of brain. In and through my spinal cord and down the whole length of my neck.

1 IN 25 MILLION

+NUMEROUS INOPERABLE ANEURYSMS INSIDE AVM

Paralysed and Quad from Nov 3 2017, should be in a wheelchair but I’m paralysed and walking!

Nothing can stop you, but you alone.
Find your path and no dream is too big. God put me here and dealt me with these cards, not because I wouldn’t have been tempted to give up but because he knew I would ask for his help.

The last nine months my body has been off, muscles off, barely any healthy nerves working anymore. So magneticly stuck to my body, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t move. I used my muscle memory to bend my elbows, to lift my arms for six months, I walked even when my legs and feet were off. I couldn’t lift my legs up or move my feet. But I walked. I have trained numerous times a week and when the message to move your body is lost you don’t stop till you find and teach it a new message and way to do so again.

I worked so hard during the first six months after the second time being quadriplegic but unfortunately any small improvements I made I lost again by February 2018. Any tiny achievements I made, such as stretching my arms forward, and sliding my legs across the bed and my walking even while paralysed. I lost that and got a big set back. Of course how can a paralysed person try to move and not have problems. I had serious problems with my breathing and my body was fighting against my soul. Every time I tried to regain movement all my limbs are glued to my spine and my chest. I’m moving against gravity and lifting my arms up or walking is like carrying and lifting up your whole body weight plus an extra 200kgs. Your body is how dead weight feels and instead of that feeling going away I’ve been stuck like this every day and night for the last nine months. I can’t flex my muscles and this was really hard for me. I had spent years training, and after losing my list of happiness I found a new passion for training and being active and when you can’t even see all your hard work. It was bringing me down, I loved and was grateful for strengthening and building a body I was proud of. But everything I had achieved and all my hard work was visibly taken from me in a minute. Your limbs turn into a flat rolled out pancake, your muscles into jelly. You can’t move and you don’t have any reflexes. Mentally I was so frustrated, defeated and I didn’t know how I could get my limbs to come back to life.

All I can say is I was so thankful for muscle memory, and even through my hard work, to the human eye couldn’t be seen, my hard work and years of being constant in my training was doing exactly what I needed it too. I had manipulated my brain to move my limbs even when my spinal cord and nerves are so damaged it could not function the same.

I  was scared and sad but when I saw the response from my video and read every single message and comment to how people were responding to my real life story, it made my purpose real. I honestly accepted life in a wheelchair in the hope that only those 200 people changed their life for the better. I was and I am happy to be the example, that you can push any limit that comes your way. And if people were grateful and lived their lives to better themselves, heal themselves, treat people with respect, kindness and love. If they didn’t cause others pain or suffering and only focused on the good, I wouldn’t care if my pain was a reason to be the example for someone else to change their life.

Be grateful for life and getting out of bed and just start from there.

Imagine you want to make a coffee and when you use only your muscle memory to lift your arm to grab the mug and pour your water and grab the milk from the fridge. Just doing a simple act like this my chest would weigh down on me and I couldn’t breathe. I never thought or could have predicted that I would ever be alive and actually walk even when all my muscles from the neck down were off. And when the most unexpected thing happens you don’t know what that means and what will happen from there.

During Orthodox Easter, I was truly blessed with one of the greatest gifts. I lifted my arms up for the first time in six months. From the end of April 2018 I had trained, redesigned my body to lift my arms up just like you! I honestly have put myself in such a meditated, calm and relaxed state, with breathing so calm it could make you float. And with this control I turned off all surrounding muscles in my neck, shoulder, chest, and back, to stop the magnet and create a new message. I then put all of my energy, my thoughts and my calm breathing into just the muscle in between your armpit and your chest and I stretched my fingers forward and slowly lifted my arms. It’s the moment when you push past the impossible and experience an absolute moment of total bliss.
Who could think simply lifting your arms up could feel like you’re floating amongst the clouds.

I can’t explain it, other than saying the word impossible. It was impossible, nothing but a limit. With no way of getting my arms up and only with perseverance and complete mental focus could I change my odds. When I lifted my arms up and realised… Wow I made that happen! I was so proud of myself but really when I tell you making that happen it felt like the closest thing to heaven.

When you face your fear and then take the control of your own life, anything in your life path is possible.

I was scared of dying. I was scared of living. I was scared of being paralysed. I was scared of never walking. I was scared of life support. I was scared of losing time.

I still couldn’t lift my legs and move my feet but I was like wait, just wait till you see me fly.

July 18th 2018, after nine months of being paralysed I finally lifted my legs up for the first time when laying down, I could feel the back of my legs turn on! Nine months ago I was completely quadriplegic and I left the hospital paralysed from the neck down in both arms, legs and feet and in a wheelchair. I couldn’t lift my arms or legs up when laying down or standing. I couldn’t move my arms to the side, backwards, forwards, and only as high up as my head. I was trapped in a tiny little box but I proved you can be paralysed and you can walk! I used my muscle memory to bend my elbows, to lift my arms and bend my knees to walk. After loads of intense physio training, breathing exercises and meditation, after six months I finally activated my arms and turned my muscles on. Finally allowing me to lift my arms up just like you for the first time. It was a moment of pure ultimate bliss. After months filled with days where you feel defeated, as I was unable to have full movement in my feet or my legs and to now say I’m not paralysed anymore.. I don’t have any words to describe to you all of what that feels like.

You can see in my writing, in the last two years I was seriously struggling. My body had given up. After the first time I was quadriplegic and walked I was grateful to be alive but I was in so much pain for that whole year and my quality of life was at an all time low. I was thankful to walk but I was like… am I selfish to want more to life than just living stuck with all of these restrictions and limitations?

When I ended up back in hospital and was quadriplegic for the second time any of you would have thought… my God how hard is this going to be and maybe some felt sorry for me.

But this is what I say: In fourteen years every year has gotten worse and worse and harder to recover and even when I was at my fittest and strongest my body couldn’t have been more broken. The pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone of you. Every day I prayed for strength. Every day I dreamt of hope and courage. But most of all I asked for help, help from a place we are yet to know but can just feel.

Believe it or not my prayers got answered. Since November 3rd, quadriplegic the second time. My spinal cord has never been so damaged but I can honestly say these last ten months, even though I have been paralysed my daily pain had some what eased. You know the saying, it’s going to get worse before it gets better. Well I believe God definitely puts you in situations for a reason and it’s never a mistake. Where one would think how can I go on any longer and just give up. I’m here to tell you, you can’t! Because the secret is you just have to push past the impossible and God can give you the biggest reward. My spinal AVM and aneurysms are inoperable, there is nothing the medical world can do to save me. But in these last fourteen years I believe maybe God designed my body with this AVM and as dangerous as it is, it’s not anybody else’s place to remove it. I am confident God keeps giving me a chance to reset my life, and with every life threatening haemorrhage and every tiny blood vessel bursting. It’s God’s gift to help me, help redesign the life of this AVM inside me and slowly heal my body. There are special energies around me, doing everything they can to take away my pain and I’m not doing this alone, he’s holding my hand.

I’ve been put in positions where I have had to face my fears and I have mentally been tested. I don’t believe it’s gods way to punish you and keep you down.

Every time I prove to the world I can get up and get through it, I know I’m learning more and more and I can only use these scary experiences to share my knowledge, courage and strength with the people that need someone to listen.

I’ve learnt the right words to say to the friend or the family member that is struggling with an illness, anxiety, depression and life’s up and downs. And with every experience where people would feel sorry for me and say not again, I’m using my place in time to help the patient that needs someone to remind them of their hope and build them up to where they can believe in themselves. I have mentally randomly had people around me that remind me of my years of pain and I have seen some beautiful souls in the hospital that are terrified inside. I’m going to use my challenges to give the young 18 year old girl that had a stroke and haemorrhage just before her formal making her paralysed on one side, and the 20 year old boy that fell off a balcony on the third floor and was quadriplegic and almost died, and the mums and dads that are in chronic pain and feel guilty for not being able to do everything they wish they could do for their kids, and for the men and women in a quick second that have an accident after an operation and lose mobility temporarily and permanently.

My dream is to give people hope and prove to the world you can heal your life and you can heal yourself you just need to look deep enough and want it bad enough. Stop seeing the negative turns in your life as a negative and believe everything happens at the right time for the right reason even when it doesn’t seem that way, we are not supposed to understand everything.

When you think you are being punished or things don’t make sense right now, you need to be patient and stay true to yourself and be kind. In the end all that matters is you are living, breathing, have purpose and you care.

Nothing in this world is easy but that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

God bless ❤️

Yours truly, Alive Miss