Legs under the hospital white sheets while I laid in between the hospital steel bars

It’s cold and unsettling at night time

If the blue curtain isn’t completely closed your wall isn’t up

It’s dark inside the ward but you can see the cool glow of the hall lights flickering

You try to close your eyes shut to get some much needed sleep, before the nurse does her rounds and checks your observations.

I’m laying here and the only movement are my eyes opening and closing

I am extremely unsettled, my body numb..

I sleep for what feels like a second and I wake up in cold, shocking sweats

I’m laying here in so much pain

I’ve poured down my bundle of pills for the 10th time today but they don’t work

The nurses have injected me with the floating liquid every 4hours for the last 5 days

Tonight I lay here and I must push the button to buzz the nurse when I need the extra fix

The nurses have pushed needles filled with blood thinners, every morning and night, injecting me with Heparin. I feel a sharp jab into my stomach and then it’s free to spread throughout my body.. my stomach is swollen, black and blue

I have not been allowed blood thinners in over 10 years no nurofen, no aspirin

I have no choice my feet and legs are not moving..

When you have an AVM the top things you don’t want are blood clots, blood thinners, or a bleed.

As soon as the nurse releases the blood thinners into my body I can feel the rush and the pace of my blood flow increase throughout

Blood is rushing through the weak and tangled avm walls and I can feel it racing through my twisted veins

I must stay calm.. I’ll make it through the night.. there will be no bleed.. I will be ok

My legs feel like they’re being ripped off by a semi trailer. The pull is tight and my knees are burning and screaming help!

It feels like hot steamy lava has replaced my blood and it’s dripping from my knees down onto my legs to my toes

They feel like they are internally bleeding and are taking their last breath

I have lost all my strength and my body has no grip

I need the extra pill, I must buzz the nurse but I can’t even reach the centrimetres to push

My head is aching this migrane has lasted for weeks I CAN’T EVEN THINK

I have my ear phones in my ears to block out the noises in the halls and in my room

The nurses are talking and pacing up and down as they check on all the patients in the ward

This place is like a slumber party where no body dares to sleep

I try to zone out and listen to some night meditation to calm the tension on my face and float me away to another place..
Mind over matter! Just breathe… It’s going to be ok

I pray that God will stay with me throughout these nights

My mum pours holy oil on my legs before she leaves me at night and I can only hope and keep my faith! I’ve been sipping holy water since I’ve been here and I must be confident and keep my beliefs strong..

My tears are heavy as they fall down my face

I am going to get through the night.. one night at a time

It’s like I’ve been jailed up and the key is lost

Your prayers are keeping me going.. I’m holding onto them so tight!

I’m closing my eyes and as I listen to the sounds of space and I begin to float amongst the stars.. I’m thinking of my fallen Angels that lost their battles fighting, please lay next to me as I sleep here tonight.

Let this nightmare be over