Take your first step..

Push through the pain and leave your helpless negative thoughts and turn them into your motivation for today.. This is your new day.

Slide your legs across the bed, place them on the floor, hold your balance and try to stand straight.

Push your walker and bend your knees to start to lift your feet off the floor.. One step at a time.

Forget about the pain, give your mind the strength when your body has given up. Change the brains thoughts and push through the limits.

You must do your Physio-  you must do the work- don’t say no and don’t give up.

Take those steps down the hall it’s going to get easier..

I’m pushing dead weight across the hospital floor as I take each step. The pain is strong but I’m pushing through, I get all the way down the hall and I am so proud! I begin to slowly walk my way back. I practice this at least once a day.. I am never alone, I have my friends and family coming every hour like shift work. Some times we just sit at the window next to the exit lifts so I can see the ocean, the sun and the clouds. In the window my old high school is there and it is a constant reminder of where it all began.. It shows the ghosts from my past, all those 12 years ago. I am reminded of all those challenges I overcame and all my accomplishments that got me to face those fears, preparing me for the real moments of today. I remember all the hospital stays and the several times I learnt how to walk. Pushing my mind to strengthen each time. Those first steps always began down these halls of level 8, Prince of Wales Hospital.

This window gave me a sense of freedom and a moment of peace.

As I make my way back to the room,  I sit on the arm chair next to my bed and I focus on the work set out for me. The task I face is to simply try to lift my foot off the floor.. It doesn’t lift, it feels like a magnetic force is holding my feet firmly, super glued to the floor. I sat there for an hour simply trying to lift one foot up at a time.. But neither my left nor my right was rising to the occasion. I then try to wiggle my toes, but then they don’t want to wiggle.. I’m not able to move my feet upwards, downwards, left or right. Why won’t they move? It’s an emotional and painful roller coaster but I refuse to give up.

The simple daily tasks like eating, showering, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, brushing your hair, walking to the bathroom was a serious struggle. I couldn’t lift my arms up higher enough, my fingertips couldn’t touch each other, and I couldn’t move my legs. I was lucky enough to have my mum and dad and family and friends to help me. -The frustration and the ‘I am useless’ feeling was real!

A few days, turns into a couple of weeks in hospital.. As days pass I continue to practice a little every day. I try to stand, I try to take more steps, I try to walk and I feel I’m ready to challenge myself.. and attempt to go up the hospital stairs. I was scared I would fall, I was scared my body would fail me but I used the motivation and encouragement from my friends to help push me to take one step up at a time! I slowly get myself up the first step and then the second, third, fourth, fifth.. I finally get up my first flight of stairs and have a ‘ROCKY moment’ with the music playing in my head, I say out loud, ‘I DID IT!’ I slowly make my way back down.. I smile as my feet touch the ground where they began. “Woohoo I really made it!”.

After a little more than 2 weeks stuck in the shadows of the hospital walls, I get to go outside with the wheel chair. My dad and some friends are with me as they push me out of the hospital and we began to cross the road to sit in the sun. My smile is getting bigger and bigger as I froze the moment in time- When you are stuck in the grey shadows inside and then you finally get to smell the fresh air, see the grass and the trees and the blue sky, it was an unreal feeling. I watch the breeze blow the leaves off the trees, just as I feel the sun bleaming onto me. This is when I feel my insides healing and my sadness disappearing. I made a wish. A moment I’ll never forget.

I won’t lie and say I didn’t have moments where I just wanted or felt like I needed to give up, because that wouldn’t be true. Continously putting the work in, like anything else doesn’t mean you are going to see results right away. It takes a lot of persistence to get through the frustration  to simply carry on with it.

A the end of my third week in hospital I was laying in bed as the morning sun rise was coming up. My eyes were closed and I slowly began to sit up.. I felt for a second that my toes moved. I quickly opened my eyes and pulled the sheet towards me, to make sure this moment was real. And just like that they really did! There was a tiny little glimpse of movement. I held my breathe and soaked it up! It was possible… I AM GOING TO MAKE IT!

This was the start of my rehab..

The reality – My first 3.5 weeks in hospital..